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Caregivers need humor, time off, Montgomery says

Kearney Hub - 6/3/2017

KEARNEY - Donna Montgomery chuckles as she explains her nickname, Squirrel Bait. "I'm a little on the nutty side," she said.

Perhaps that's why she rescued three children with post-traumatic stress syndrome from abusive homes. Or why she took custody of her autistic grandson. Or how she coped when an uncle, a cousin and a niece suffered traumatic brain injuries.

It's also why she understands the critical need for respite time for caregivers.

She'll talk about that at the Kearney Days of Caring for the Family Caregiver workshop June 14 at First Presbyterian Church. She is one of seven speakers who will shed light on the humble, often hidden task of caregiving.

Don't expect a glum lecture from Montgomery, who retired this spring as associate professor of teacher education and special education at the University of Nebraska at Kearney. "I love humor," she said. The three playful plastic figures of Goofy on her desk in her UNK office prove it.

She'll speak about the challenges she and her then-husband took on when they adopted three children from abusive homes, first a girl of 10, and then, two years later, two half-brothers, aged 11 and 8. "They didn't just come with suitcases. They came with trunks full of (psychological) stuff," she said.

Later, at age 47, she took in her high-level autistic grandson, 3, who had post-traumatic stress syndrome. As he grew, he was badly bullied and hospitalized periodically for depression, but he is now an adult who lives independently. Asked how she coped, she shrugged. "You just do," she said.

Providing care for dependent people of any age can strain families, marriages and caregivers. Especially caregivers. To compensate, caregivers need humor, occasional time off, and a hobby such as stamp collecting or gardening that briefly frees the mind from caregiving, Montgomery said.

When raising her grandson, she had a break only when he was briefly hospitalized. "Sometimes during respites, I'd watch re-runs of 'Gilligan's Island.' My mind would be blank. It was a great way to get myself moving again."

As he grew older, she sent him to two-week residential camp, "which he loved." It gave her time off, too. The first week he was gone, she slept the entire week. "The second week, I don't remember what I did, and it doesn't matter," she said.

Humor provides relief, too. One day, her aging neighbor, who had Alzheimer's, left a single tennis shoe atop his trash can. His wife just laughed. "What can you do but laugh? You can't take everything they say or do personally. Sometimes they'll lash out at you, but it's not personal. They know they're safe with you," Montgomery said.

Raised in Lakewood, N.J., Montgomery's parents had big dreams for her despite their meager 10th-grade educations. Her father, a maintenance man, and her mother, a store clerk and a waitress, told her repeatedly that she was going to college, and she did - not only once, but three times. She earned a bachelor's degree at the University of Maryland, a master's degree at Johns Hopkins University and a doctorate at Purdue University.

"I owe a lot to that town. It had a lot of Holocaust survivors who valued education. Out of 90 students in my high school graduating class, 10 percent of them have earned doctorate degrees," she said.

For Montgomery, assisting the disadvantaged has been a lifelong avocation. In high school, she volunteered to assist a person with severe disabilities. Since arriving at UNK in 2001, she has volunteered for the Arc of Buffalo County, sat on the Region 3 Developmental Disabilities Council and became an advocate for adults with intellectual disabilities. She is currently serving her third three-year term on the Nebraska Planning Council on Developmental Disabilities.

Newly retired at age 67, she will soon travel to the British Isles to scout the routes her ancestors took as they immigrated to this country. Some sailed on the Mayflower. Montgomery is related to Roger Williams, who founded Rhode Island. Her grandmother was born in a covered wagon as it lumbered through Hastings.

On June 14, she plans a relaxed presentation where she'll share anecdotes, coping tips and open the floor to comments. "I might even get a few laughs," she said. "I've been told I'm funny."

maryjane.skala@kearneyhub.com