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Women's Center to host 2 events for Domestic Violence Awareness Month

The Daily Independent - 10/12/2018

Oct. 12--October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The Women's Center High Desert, Inc. is sponsoring two upcoming events to help educate and raise local awareness of domestic violence.

This Saturday, the Women's Center will be hosting an event with a very special guest. Patricia Evans is credited with single-handedly bringing the subject of verbal abuse to the forefront of American consciousness. She will be here, leading a conversation on recognizing, responding and recovering from verbal abuse this Saturday from 1 to 4 p.m. at the Women's Center's business office at 124 S. China Lake Blvd. Evans will speak first and then questions.

Attendees are requested to make a monetary donation of their choice. All proceeds will go to the Women's Center.

Evans is the author of the bestselling classic work, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," which has gone through multiple printings. It has been referred to as "a groundbreaking book" by Newsweek and "a great, great book" by Sonya Friedman of CNN as well as being recommended by Oprah.com.

The Daily Independent caught up with Evans in a phone interview Thursday. She told the story of how she came to write her first, groundbreaking book, what verbal abuse looks like and why some people say it is even worse than physical abuse.

Verbal abuse is 'like a drive-by shooting.'

Evans said she came from an immediate family that was not at all verbally abusive, but that she became interested in the topic to help a more distant relative. While in graduate school, she said, she looked for classes on verbal abuse and was unable to find any. Finally she consulted a philosophy professor who told her the course she was looking for explaining verbal abuse simply did not exist. He suggested she be the one to write a book on the topic herself.

And so she did.

"My book was the first thing in any language to say there is such a thing," she said.

It was a message people were eager to hear. Since then she has heard from 40,000 to 50,000 people grateful for her book, and appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine.

She went on to write four other bestselling books "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out," "Controlling People," "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" and "Victory Over Verbal Abuse." She has consulted with thousands of people and presented talks and workshops throughout the US, Canada, Madrid and in five cities in Australia.

Evans shared some of the ways to decide if you have been the victim of verbal abuse.

She said if someone tells you "you are too sensitive" or "you're trying to start a fight," these are signs you are being verbally abused.

Overall, she said, verbal abusers try to tell you they know what you need better than you do.

"Someone is pretending to be God or telling you what you want. Nobody on the planet can do that. Nobody on the planet can tell you who you are or what you want," she said.

Verbal abuse is not limited to any socioeconomic sector. "There's doctors and lawyers and heads of corporations who are abused and hear things like this," she said.

She recommended anyone wanting to learn more about the topic attend the event Saturday as well as take a look at her books.

"Go, so you can find out more for yourself and more to help others," she said. "The most important thing to know is that if you are being put down in any way it's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It's aimed at you like a drive-by shooting."

She said abuse could also occur in social and even work settings. Abusers, she said, tend to only feel connected with other people when they are collectively putting someone else down.

"Abusers in the world connect with others through mutual abuse," she said.

This is in contrast to normal, empathetic people who connect by way of friendliness and look for a common humanity with others.

Verbal abuse can also lead to physical violence. According to Evans' website, batterers don't start beating their partners before they have first denied their feelings, called them names or belittled them.

"A person who might cross from verbal to physical abuse is likely to show signs of an impending physical assault by launching intense and repeated verbal attacks, by indulging in rages or by becoming abusive in public. Such a person attempts to justify the abuse by blaming their partner. Batterers notoriously blame the victim of their assaults," her website states.

'Injuries heal, but verbal abuse is brainwashing'

Evans told the DI that some people consider verbal abuse even more destructive than physical abuse. She described a call she had from a woman with a broken jaw due to spousal abuse who said that verbal abuse she had received was more damaging.

"Injuries heal, but verbal abuse is brainwashing," Evans said. She explained that abusive words lodge deep in the core of a person's identity and alter their sense of self.

None of this is intended to discount the real dangers of physical abuse, which is a serious and potentially deadly issue.

Evans had one piece of important advice: "If women are planning to leave an abusive relationship, no heads-up to the abuser," she said. In other words, she recommended not saying anything about your plans until you are safely away. She emphasized getting away safely and secretly with the help and support of others prior to filing divorce papers or whatever needs to be done.

For more information, see Evans' website at VerbalAbuse.com.

Shine the Light on Domestic Violence Awareness Walk Oct. 17

The Women's Center High Desert, Inc. is also hosting its fifth annual Shine the Light on Domestic Violence Awareness Walk on Wednesday, October 17. The walk will start at 6 p.m. Participants are asked to gather at the water fountain between City Hall and the Ridgecrest Police Station and the Kerr McGee Center. This event is intended to unite survivors and those who support the efforts to end domestic violence.

This event will be an hour-and-a-half long, and the walking portion will take around 30 minutes.

The evening will be filled with stories, art and healing followed by an awareness walk around China Lake Blvd. Flashlights will be available upon arrival. There is no charge for this event, but donations are appreciated. Participants are cautioned that it will be dark outside during this event.

The Women's Center High Desert, Inc. is a nonprofit organization providing a network of services related to domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse for Eastern Kern County and the surrounding counties. Their aim is to educate the public and community agencies to heighten awareness regarding prevention of domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse as well as reduce the risk of victimization.

The Women's Center High Desert, Inc. is located at 134 S. China Lake Blvd. Its phone number is 760-371-1969.

24-hour hotlines and helpline

All services are confidential and free of charge. Crisis intervention, referrals and resources are provided, along with information and non-judgmental support. The hotlines are bilingual English and Spanish. All services are available to men, women and children experiencing domestic violence, abuse and sexual assault or abuse.

Domestic Violence Hotline: 760-375-7525

Sexual Assault/Abuse: 760-375-0745

Child Abuse Prevention

760-375-7100

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