Improving how parents, teenagers communicate

Most adolescents have questions about dating, but feel awkward asking their parents. Or, they may want to share some details about a blossoming relationship and can't decide how to start the conversation. Or, they could be avoiding a talk of any kind with their parents because they fear being judged, berated or punished.

However, given that the latest research shows adolescents are forming romantic relationships as early as age 12, and that the most potentially violent time in a young adult's dating life is from ages 16 to 24, it's important for parents to find ways to talk with their children about issues related to dating, says one local expert.

"What I hear from teenagers is that no one talks to them about healthy relationships or sex," said Ryan E. Morris, director of advocacy and outreach at YWCA Richmond.

"A lot of times this conversation is left up to peers or teachers or (information is found) on the internet," Morris said. "Some of these sources are great, but it's really important for parents to build that foundational space to talk with their kids about these often difficult and uncomfortable subjects. What I hear from parents is that they don't know where to start, or what to say."

With this in mind, Morris has worked with a small group of high school students to host a program this week during which teens will discuss adolescent relationships and the kind of parental support they and their peers need. The free program is open to the public and will take place from 5 to 6:30 p.m. Wednesday, Feb. 22, at the YWCA's downtown headquarters, 6 N. Fifth St.

According to national statistics, about 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner, and 1 in 3 girls have reported being physically, emotionally or verbally abused. Given this reality, and that February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, Morris and the local teens decided an open talk would be good for both sides.

"We want to help adults figure out how to start these conversations and have kids thinking about healthy relationships even before they're in a relationship," Morris said.

According to Morris, who leads a youth group at the YWCA that focuses on cultivating healthy relationships, teenagers want to discuss dating, relationships and sex with their parents. However, "they are afraid if they bring it up their parents are going to automatically 'catastrophize' the situation and think they're having sex right now or experiencing teen dating violence."

To lessen this concern, Morris offers this advice to parents and other adults:

"Really be a listener when your teen is sharing, and try not to share your perspective right away. Most of the time they just have questions and want to hear what someone in their lives has to say about a situation.""Shy away from asking judgmental questions: 'What were you doing there?' or 'Who were you with?' What parents consider fact-finding could shut them down."Consider instituting a forgiveness policy. "A lot of parents have this around drinking and driving, (i.e., to avoid a dangerous situation) 'I'll come get you; no questions asked.' Consider doing this around relationships and sex as well: 'I want you to tell me if you have something really important going on, and you won't get in trouble.' This will open up a lot of conversation with teens.""In specific situations that relate to teen dating and dating violence, it's best to approach the situation as if the teens are the experts of their own relationships and treat them like they know what they are talking about. Really be respectful and try to give advice, not ultimatums."

Morris encourages parents who are interested in attending Wednesday's panel discussion to bring their teens.

"If they are getting the same messaging," she said, "that creates a shared dialogue for them to engage in a conversation afterwards."

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Teens Talk Teens

What: YWCA Richmond will host a panel discussion featuring local teens discussing dating and relationships and how parents can better communicate with their children regarding these issues.

When: 5-6:30 p.m. Wednesday, Feb. 22

Where: YWCA Richmond, 6 N. Fifth St.

Cost: Free

Details: (804) 643-6761

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Stacy Hawkins Adams is the mom of a son and daughter ages 15 and 18. She is also a Chesterfield County-based novelist, communications professional, volunteer child advocate and YWCA Richmond board member. Contact her at Stacy@StacyHawkinsAdams.com.