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Advice for parents to better understand, guide their sons Life Notes: Helping your middle-school son thrive

Richmond Times-Dispatch - 4/11/2017

Life Notes

Middle school can be an awkward time for most kids and often for parents, too.

Usually that's because children are growing and changing in ways they don't understand - and Mom and Dad might not, either.

Yet rather than fret - in particular when it comes to boys - one expert thinks parents can instead study what makes their sons tick.

Becoming familiar with the differences between boys and girls is key, said Janet Allison, a parenting coach, author of the book "Boys Alive" and founder of the website BoysAlive.com and its associated programming.

Allison is the mother of two adult daughters, yet through her extensive research and her tenure as an elementary school educator and parenting coach, she has gained insight on how boys best grow and develop, especially during the middle school years.

"No one talks about the different ways that boys learn and that boys need to be moving and active in the classroom," Allison said recently by phone from Portland, Ore, where she is based. "There are brain differences, hormonal differences and differences in communication styles.

"Girls can (often) write their names in kindergarten and read in first grade, and boys do those kinds of things later. As we're pushing academics down into kindergarten and first grade, boys are going to fail early and often. The statistics bear this out."

In her role as a family coach, she recently met with a couple whose 5-year-old twins were expelled from preschool for what she considered normal boy behavior.

"The parents were (questioning) their parenting skills and whether something was wrong with their children, but when we changed the boys to another school, they blossomed."

Indeed, since founding BoysAlive.com in 2005, Allison has discovered that many parents are mystified about how to communicate with and guide their sons.

"My goal is to help them understand their boys so they can help them be successful, and that's going to be something different than what they would give their girls," said Allison, who also leads webinars and hosts a podcast focused on helping parents appreciate their sons' "hard wiring."

"You've (often) got these mature middle school girls, and ... we don't often think about the shy, awkward immature boys, so understanding what's going on for your son socially is really important.

"And if there's something you need to talk to him about, let him know in advance, (for example) 'After dinner I'm going to touch base with you about x,' and let him have time to process. Our female brains are so active, we're thinking of 16 different things, but if you want him to be present in the conversation, give him a little time to prepare."

Allison suggests that by the time boys reach middle school, it might be time for parents to step back and encourage more responsibility, in ways such as:

Not rescuing him if he forgets his lunch, homework or a book he needs for school.Letting him fail. "This is the time to take the training wheels off and let him fall, while being right there."Helping him develop systems for being organized.Sharing family expectations, such as regarding college attendance, without adding pressure.

Her final piece of advice is to keep things in perspective.

According to research, "Boys have said that the most important thing they want to hear from their parents is that it's all going to be OK," Allison said.

Stacy Hawkins Adams is the mom of a son and daughter ages 15 and 18. She is also a Chesterfield County-based novelist, communications professional and volunteer child advocate. Contact her at Stacy@StacyHawkinsAdams.com.