Divorce laws and how they affect kids Wells: Understand the law on child custody, visitation and support

It is an unfortunate statistic that nearly one out of two marriages ends in divorce. If it is clear that a marriage cannot be saved and there are children of the marriage, custody, visitation and financial support issues arise.

Custody. The guiding star of the court's analysis of who is awarded custody is what is in the best interest of the child. There is not a presumption favoring mothers over fathers, although there likely was such an instinctive presumption when mothers did not regularly work outside of the home. Natural parents are favored over third parties, although parents can lose their rights in severe circumstances. Grandparents may request and receive some visitation if there is a substantial relationship with the child. Gaining full custody versus the parents is generally an uphill battle, however.

Shared custody in many circumstances makes sense so that both parents are involved in important decisions about healthcare, dental care (braces) and education choices.

Visitation. A fairly common agreement is to provide visitation for the non-custodial parent of a dinner or an overnight weekly, and every other weekend, and a sharing of vacation and school break times. Meaningful additional visitation is to be encouraged.

Parents are smart to try to work out legal custody and visitation issues without going to court. While the child's wishes do not control who gets custody if custody is contested, the view of a mature child will be seriously considered by the court. But parents should try not to make the children choose one parent over the other.

Child Support. Support amounts for a child (generally until 18, but no more than 19 years old) are much more driven by objective facts and figures than in years past.

The main factors are the relative incomes of the mother and father, work-related child care costs, and the child's share of the health insurance premium. Guidelines and worksheets are available at www.nccourts.org.

NCBA publishes a useful pamphlet on these issues, which you may receive without charge at the public library, or you can do an online search for "North Carolina Bar Association Pamphlets." You may also receive a 30- minute conference with a knowledgeable family law attorney for no more than $50 by calling the NCBA Lawyer Referral Service at 800-662-7660.

Before a once-loving relationship disintegrates, a sincere attempt to salvage the relationship is generally in the best interest of parents and their children, unless there is violence in the home. Professionals agree that you set children up for challenges in their own marriages if deep-seated anger and hostility continue between the parents during and even after a caustic divorce. The downstream damage caused by this disruptive event cannot be fully calculated on the front end of a physical separation.

Moreover, arguments over money are at the heart of many divorces. Imagine the financial impact when the costs of two lawyers, experts and other costs are added to it.

If parties feel their marriage is slipping away from them and violence is not a factor, the smart money is to engage a mediator. Counselors and other professionals can recommend experienced ones.

Health care professionals and family law attorneys will also tell you anger, bitterness, sarcasm, and the inability to look deeply into how your own conduct may have contributed to the discord are major roadblocks to working through your differences, and the often resulting collateral impact on the children.

Like most significant disputes in life among otherwise reasonable people, there is generally enough blame to go around when a marriage begins to falter.

Remember: An informed choice is a smart choice.

Mike Wells is a partner with Wells Law, PLLC in Winston-Salem. His email address is mike@wellslaw.us.