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Ask Dr. Shari: Be a cool Mom, not a buddy to your teen

The Hibbing Daily Tribune - 9/3/2017

Dear Dr. Shari,

I have heard a great deal about teen rudeness and I know I should be more accepting of mouthiness and such, I guess. But, I just can't accept my teenager making me feel like such an unwanted outcast. Her friends say I am cool to hang out with so I am not sure why she would not want to be around me. When I am with her and her friends, she won't even speak to me. She treats me like I am not "cool" enough and as a single mom, that really hurts.

We do have dinner together and we have nice talks almost every day, so I don't get it.

Help me wake her up!

CJ

Dear CJ,

Hold on just one second!

First of all, rudeness, is NOT acceptable ... not at any age ... not at any time. So, the idea of "being accepting of it" needs to be destroyed. Please, NEVER accept rudeness. That is how sweet children become obnoxious people that no one can stand. Don't do this to your child.

Secondly, CJ, you must understand: Parents are outcasts in the teen world.

CJ, you are not cool.

You might be a "cool MOM," a cool "COACH," a cool TEACHER, but in the teen world, you are not cool. You can work on accepting that.

Here is the harsh, cold reality, CJ:

We were teens once. We didn't want to hang out with our parents either. No one, who is old enough to parent a teen, is actually cool to "hang" with, as an equal, in a teen circle.

And, CJ, if you find that one does exist, check them out ... because that is creepy and likely a sketchy situation.

Even in organizations like "Big Sisters/Brothers of America" and other advocacy groups that promote healthy relationships between adults and children, the adult serves as a positive role model ... (not a buddy on equal footing).

CJ, between parent and teen, there is a power differential. The parent/adult is in the leadership role and is responsible for setting an example, teaching, acting as a role model. This is a positive and necessary reality, but it is the same fact that makes it "not cool" to hang out with you.

Teens, by instinct and biology, are at a stage in which they crave independence. Your presence impinges upon that. It has nothing to do with your lack of coolness, CJ, so relax.

The good news, is that you are not, technically, an outcast by society's standards. You have a whole generation at the "uncool" party. Come join us.

You can be cool in your own age group, at your work, in your running club, knitting club or book club ... but please, for your child's sake, do not try to be cool in the teen world.

Here are a couple of ground rules that might help you deal with your situation:

1. Rudeness is not acceptable.

As a parent you are personally responsible for making sure that your teen understands and abides by this.

2. Adults don't "hang out" with teens as (equal footing) buddies. Be a cool Mom, not a buddy.

Part of the difficulty of raising a teen is that a healthy separation needs to occur. That little girl that you used to hold and cuddle is almost an adult. The times when she yelled "Mom! Watch!" over her every cartwheel and belly flop are mostly over. She is in more need of her space.

This is painful, CJ, I know. I could bawl my eyes out over it ... but it is healthy, and the best thing for your child.

Hang tough, write back and let me know how you are dealing with this. We are all in it together, CJ. Embrace uncool and go be the best mom that you can be.

My best,

Dr. Shari

This column originally appeared on July 6, 2014.

Dr. Shari Sweetnam

www.DoctorShari.com

Author, columnist, consultant and motivational speaker.