Family planners need people skills

In this month's column I would like to spend some time on a subject that involves exactly that. Spending some time. By that, I mean taking the time needed to actually converse with your family members. Go ahead and be nostalgic, and you may recall this actual, in-person form of verbal communication. Not via a text message or any other of the myriad forms of electronic communication that have become so prevalent and, in my opinion, tend to erode personal relationships. Social media is an oxymoron of the highest order. Not very social to have one's face firmly planted in a device. Speaking of faces; face to face contact has become far too infrequent. Skype, face-time and whatever other apps that are out there simply do not count. Nothing can replace good old-fashioned eye contact and body language to get a true sense of what others are thinking and (even more importantly as it relates to estate planning) feeling.

OK, enough ranting from me, but hey, I have somehow managed to make it beyond the point of living for half a century-most of it without all of these "advancements," and I have now earned and am fully vested in my grumpy old man rights

Now, to the meat of the matter. A family is basically a tightly knit group of people who are related by both birth and marriage. Positive interactions are what keeps this group together, and negative interactions quite often lead to no interaction and eventually tear families apart. Often beyond repair. This is obviously to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, too many folks simply do not spend the time necessary to truly listen to other family members concerns. With listening comes understanding. With understanding comes empathy, and that directly leads to the distinct feeling of cohesiveness. Ultimately, that feeling of cohesiveness is the glue that holds families together, no matter what unforeseen obstacles life seems to always have waiting for us.

Your advisors also need to be refined in these basic people skills, possessing the ability to decipher and diagnose the truly important issues - making sure all family members viewpoints are aired and respected and often acting as a mediator to help resolve any difficult issues without undue stress and bickering amongst the family.

Quite frankly, this is where most advisors are lacking. They can have all the various degrees along with legal and financial tools housed in the swankiest of offices, but if they lack the ability to actually listen to your family, how can they really be of any help to you? Far too often, these folks are more interested in impressing you with what they think they know and then helping themselves to a good chunk of your money for planning that is not entirely based on what is best for your family's needs.

You need to use your own people skills to determine if an advisor is acting as an advocate for your family. After all, to be completely comfortable and satisfied with your plan you must have full confidence in your advisor. The old adage that folks really don't care how much you know as much they know how much you care really applies here. Once you have an advisor that meets this fundamental criterion, give them all the information they need to assist them in making the best recommendations for your family. Rest assured that with a true professional everything is kept in the strictest of confidentiality. Do not be hesitant or embarrassed to share all the details. Good and bad. Believe me, no family is perfect. Once the air is cleared, the actual X's and O's of the plan will fall into place rather quickly.

Dennis Foster has been helping families with financial and estate planning needs for 25 years. He welcomes comments and questions and can be reached at 605-887-7069 or [email protected]