Tips for parenting an angry teen; Psychology

It sometimes seems as a society we have made a mistake in our parenting approach over the last half-century where we tend to be permissive with kids when they are young and then try to tighten up when they hit adolescence. This is somewhat like letting the horse run the pasture freely when it's a pony and then when it is bigger, stronger, and more adventurous, trying to keep it penned up in the paddock! This, of course, results in greater rebellion and conflict as the adolescent is naturally seeking independence and autonomy and is rejecting of stronger parental authority.

This reversal of parenting approach has created more hardship for families and for growing teens than is necessary. When they are younger, it seems like kids are asked what they want to do, how they want to do it and are often given every lenience possible. Later, when becoming young adults and as it is becoming apparent to everyone that the "world" doesn't really work this way, the parents try to exert greater control. This is at a time that the young adult is trying to test limits, find themselves and exert their independence. This is an unfortunate recipe for conflict and heartache as the two energies are moving toward a head-on collision.

Ideally, we parents would do the hard work up front. When children are young and more malleable is the best time to teach them about structure, boundaries, values, responsibilities, and self-management. Then, when they hit their teens, we can pull back a little and let them run their own show - to their delight, because they have been well taught earlier in life. Doing the hard work earlier can reduce conflict and effort later and lead to a lifetime of independence and self-management for your child. That means instead of going from permissive to authoritative we would start with authoritative approaches and transition toward permissive based on the behavior of the teenager.

Life for teenagers is often complicated beyond our adult comprehension. There is an invisible teenage world that we adults are often completely unaware of. We tend to think practically about grades, working hard and good behavior. The teenagers are often questioning who they are, what they are good at, who likes them and who doesn't like them and what fun, if any, they look forward to. We literally are sometimes in a different world and speaking a different language than our teenagers and we don't even know it.

I often recall a session with a teen and their parent where in the first half of the meeting the parent was present with the teen and discussed the importance of finishing all their homework. The parent checked "Parent Connect" on-line daily and spotted all missing work (note: this is the only area where most teenagers wish the Internet had never been invented. What was interesting is that when the parent left the room, the teen was full of emotion and energy - none of it having to do with grades or academics - but about a tumultuous relationship that was bothering them and was the source of their emotional turmoil, sadness, apathy, and work inefficiency.

Parenting and working with angry teenagers is a very difficult challenge. Adults are facing a tough balancing act where they need to try and straddle both the teenage world and the adult world for the best outcome. Of course, too many parents try to drag their unwilling teen into the adult world with little success. It is simply impossible to force someone, a teen no less, to "care" about something they don't care about or to "do" something they don't really want to do. To exert an authoritarian posture toward a teenager, especially if they were given wide berth when they were younger, is usually fraught with direct conflict embedded in passive-aggressive behavior. This can be the proverbial "wall" that separates teens from their parents and leads them to feel misunderstood. The other extreme, where parents try to join their teen in their world, sometimes due to the parent's issues, is dangerous and awkward at best. Those are the parents that buy their teens alcohol or join them in smoking pot or telling them stories about their own misbehavior as teens. While this may create some initial re-bonding, this approach fails the teen because they need the structure, boundaries and mentoring from the adult to know how to be an adult, instead of getting reinforcement of their teenage angst.

Parenting these teens is somewhat like riding a bucking bronco. It takes nuance to know where to go with it and when to resist. In general, these tips can help ride out your strong-willed teens anger to get to problem solving:

1) Stay balanced yourself - don't become angry like your teen or you end up reinforcing the behavior.

2) Try not to judge, scold, or criticize. Realize that you live in different worlds and speak different languages.

3) Even if you disagree with them, try to validate that they believe what they believe and feel the way they feel. This allows you to move into problem solving instead of arguing.

4) Don't abandon them or quit. Find some common ground to share with them- like eating at their favorite burger place or seeing a movie.

5) Give it time and don't rely upon punishment as your primary tool to change their behavior- this almost always backfires.

6) Use time and indirect language to present them with the possibilities and rewards of different, more responsible behavior.

7) Give them room where you can to make their own decisions to facilitate their confidence and growth, rather than opposing it. Parenting teens, especially if they are angry, is not an easy task. There are specialists who are trained in these matters that can help you with your communication and problem solving with teens. Whether for a parent consult or to go in with your teenager for joint consultation, having a professional "coach" like a psychologist or counselor can make a big difference in how things go!

Scott E. Smith, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist with Spectrum Behavioral Health in Arnold, Annapolis, and Crofton MD. To contact Dr. Smith, please call 410-757-2077 or write him at 1509 Suite F, Ritchie Hwy., Arnold, MD. 21012

Credit: Scott Smith