EDITORIAL: Parents need to be aware of signs of bullying

Oct. 17--On Oct. 2, 1961, an episode of "The Andy Griffith" show offered the traditional take on how a child should deal with a bully.

Young Opie is suffering a daily shakedown while walking to school, as a bully robs him of his milk money. While Deputy Fife wants to intervene and protect Opie, Sheriff Taylor wants his son to stand up for himself.

The episode ends with Opie proudly displaying a black eye as well as the money that had been stolen from him. With a huge grin, he tells his father, "A peanut butter sandwich sure tastes better with milk."

For decades -- centuries, even -- that's how most adults viewed bullying and how to overcome it. American parents have long told their kids "Stand up for yourself." "Don't let them push you around." "Bullies only respect strength."

But for every kid who has used that advice to overcome a bully, there have been countless others who suffered in silence, afraid and embarrassed to seek help in escaping the personal hell that awaited them each day in the hallways, the locker room and on the playground.

Although bullying remains a problem today, with one in five kids reporting that they have been bullied, our awareness of it has increased dramatically. So-called "institutionalized bullying," such as hazing in fraternities and on sports teams, is no longer deemed acceptable, and school handbooks clearly lay out the consequences that a bully can face.

In 2006, PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center launched Bullying Awareness Week, which morphed into a month-long campaign. October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and the campaign's objectives and methodologies are laudable. They include:

* Creating safe environments for students.

* Promoting kindness, acceptance and inclusion.

* Offering classroom activities, toolkits, and lesson plans for educators.

* Helping students learn to be supportive of their peers and to take action to prevent bullying in their school, community and on social media.

And then there's this objective, which we see as the most important:

* Helping parents understand the dynamics of bullying, so they can help their children through bullying situations and learn how to communicate with school staff.

The fact is that every child -- and thus every parent -- is touched by bullying. Some kids are perpetrators, others are victims, and some have experienced both, but all kids are at least witnesses to bullying.

Parents need to understand where their children fall within that spectrum, and that awareness requires attention and communication -- and often a bit of detective work.

Sometimes it's easy to tell that a child is a bully or is being bullied, but usually not. Some kids share their feelings and experiences with their parents, while some do not. Some suffer in silence, while others wear red flags on their sleeves for all to see.

All parents are busy, and it's easy to adopt a "no news is good news" view regarding our children, but that's a dangerous perspective. Parents can't assume that everything is OK merely because they haven't gotten a phone call from the principal.

This month, schools across the state are holding parent-teacher conferences. While the main focus is on academic performance, there's nothing wrong with a parent asking, "How well does my kid get along with his peers? Does she appear happy? Does he have friends? Does he/she pick on anyone?"

Some teachers might be reluctant to answer those questions, but they shouldn't be -- and parents must be ready not only to accept the teachers' answers, but to act.

Sometimes the action will be as simple as an honest conversation. Victims of bullying often feel isolated and even embarrassed, and sometimes the best thing for them to hear is a parent who says, "I know how this hurts. I've been there. It's not fair, and it's not right, and most importantly, it's not your fault."

Other times a bullied child will need further support. He or she can suffer long-lasting emotional damage, and we're long past the day when there should be any stigma in going to a therapist for the kind of help a parent simply can't provide. Bullied kids need a safe place to unburden themselves, and that place isn't always at the kitchen table.

But bullies have parents, too, and when parents suspect or know for certain that their own child is bullying others, parents need to move to get their child to stop. The also have an extra responsibility: they need to examine their own behavior.

Adults who mock others based on their beliefs, race, sexual identity or disability are setting an example that their children will follow.

Kids are sponges, and they observe everything their parents and other adults do. Moms and dads who don't treat others with respect and dignity can expect their children to follow that bad example.

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