Look beyond your family for a 'family' Hax: Look beyond family for 'family'

Question: I have been married 10 years and have two children, 7 and 9. We have no family in our city, and I have few family members still alive. My husband has a larger family, but they are not close. My kids love being around extended family, but we do not have the money to travel, and his family rarely visits.

My brother-in-law comes to visit every couple of years. He usually comes for the weekend and spends only the first day with us. On the second, he goes into town to go out to lunch and shop by himself.

I find this incredibly rude. We clear our busy schedule to spend time with him, and he goes out and makes it clear he doesn't want us to join him.

My husband thinks there is nothing rude or inconsiderate about this behavior. I couldn't disagree more. He never tells us what his plans are before his arrival, which maybe would make it better.

My kids don't understand why we can't do something together, and I can't even explain without making him sound bad. He is middle-age, single with no children; it's not like he's a 20-something going out to party!

Do you think I'm expecting too much from a house guest, or is this totally rude? - Anonymous

Answer: You are expecting too much from a house guest.

More important, you're expecting way too much from one uncle, who by himself can't possibly satisfy your kids' - i.e., your - entire (valid) craving for extended family in five visits per decade, not even with that second day. It's unfair to him to expect him to.

Your opening paragraph is telling: Not only does it explain your obstacles to having something you value deeply, but it has virtually no bearing on what relatives are or aren't obligated to do when accepting your hospitality.

Is it less than ideal for him to use your family as home base while he extracts what he wants from your city? Sure. However, my concern is more that he doesn't communicate with you about his intentions.

Some hosts wish their guests would be somewhat independent, meaning there's an element of personal preference here, plus you mention clearing your schedules. These suggest a previsit email or conversation could pre-empt some hard feelings.

"Suggests" being the operative word: That he does that same thing every visit means you're beyond needing an email to notify you of his plans. You have all the information you need to prepare yourselves to share only the one day with him.

Since you keep hoping for more anyway, and blaming him when those hopes are dashed, that says your outrage at this point isn't a reaction, it's a choice.

Please make a different one, for everyone's sake. Choose not to see this uncle as your kids' best hope for family, and instead see him as the one-day visitor he is.

Tell your kids exactly that when they ask. "(Shrug.) It's what he always does." No further explanation needed. Except maybe to give him credit for visiting, right?

And, more important, see this as the push you need to find other ways to experience family - or "family," since creating community sometimes means leaving the tree.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.