CAPS ?Parent Self Care-A Valentine's Gift for Yourself

The greatest parenting advice you might ever get could be coming from an airline flight attendant.

Really? The person who tells me to buckle my seatbelt on the airplane?

Ye. Because that person also gives you critical information about you and your child. The directive given in case of an emergency, “Put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your child’s mask,” is a brilliant analogy about parenting. You must take care of yourself first, and then tend to your child. You will be of no assistance to someone dependent on you if you are not fully functioning.

I have met some parents who do that with ease-they have no qualms about taking care of themselves before their child-and they have little guilt about meeting their own needs first and giving whatever time and attention (if any) may be left over to their child.

But, most parents are not like that. Most parents strive to be all-supporting, all-encouraging and all- everything to their offspring. But in doing so, they can neglect their own self-care.

So, how can we do better? We can do it by beginning to find margin.

This concept of “margin” is advocated by Dr. Richard Swenson in his book titled, appropriately, “Margin.” Margin refers to the white spaces at the top, bottom and sides of a printed page. If there were no margins in books, words would be printed on every available space. Crowded. Pressed together. Like we often find our lives.

Swenson thinks we schedule so much for our families, kids, spouses, that there is no space left for us to take care of ourselves.

We may feel exhausted, but we are not helpless. We can make margins and find time for ourselves. Here’s how:

Turn off the television

For the average adult, that would gain you more than 30 hours a week.

Turn off other technology

Fasting from our digital devices can give new life to us human beings.

And, it can give us what we really may be craving - feeding of our family connections. If we put down our phones more often, we would begin to relate to the humans around us. What are we losing with the people we love, when technology overtakes us? Can we look into the eyes of our friends and loved ones and make meaningful contact again?

Practice simplicity and joy

What truly brings you joy? Really think about what you could eliminate, and what is so important that you must keep. Then do it.

Get less done, but do the right things

Don’t throw all meetings and commitments out the window. Choose wisely. When asked to take on a task or serve on a committee, I try to think if I am “uniquely qualified” to do the job. If a slot just needs to be filled, then that is one thing. But, if I have particular skills or passions that would match me well to the task, then a “yes” would be a great answer. If not, then the answer is no. That will allow someone else the chance to serve, someone who may be more “uniquely qualified” than me.

Ask for help

This is very difficult for us over-achievers. But, we can learn to utter “Would you please help me?” A friend or family member can stop by the grocery store for you. Trade child care duties. Let your kids or your spouse help make cookies for the holiday. They may not be made as well as your cookies, but they will probably be just fine (they may even be better).

And, what will you do with this new-found margin? What works best as your “oxygen mask”?

Here are some ideas: You can go for a walk or run, pray, read a good book, play a game, sing, take a hot bath, take a nap, write a poem, contact an old friend, dance, listen to music, do yoga, do nothing, audition for a play, meet with friends, create something new or create nothing and enjoy the solitude -whatever fills your soul.

We never can nurture our children’s souls if our own is in need. We can and must put on our own oxygen masks first, and that’s the best gift you ever could receive.