Ask Dr. Shari: Teen is humiliated by mom

Dear Dr. Shari,

This might be a shocker, but my teenager is embarrassed about how I dress. One day she sheepishly told me that she thinks I dress too "provocatively." The only problem is that now she won't let it go and I am at my wits end. I explain to her that I am the adult and will make these decisions. She says "I don't have to like it" and barely speaks to me on the days that I wear things that she thinks are low cut, high cut, "inappropriate" or "too revealing" in her opinion. Do I ignore it, or put my foot down and punish her for her behavior? How do I handle this teen?

Tamara

Tamara,

You should handle this teen by listening to her.

Just because your teen has an opinion that differs from yours, doesn't mean she's wrong. While I firmly believe in training children to communicate respectfully and appropriately (even when they disagree or have an issue with their parents), I place as much value on hearing them out and offering them the respect of consideration of their view.

When presented appropriately, children's views should always be considered.

First, Tamara, if your daughter "sheepishly" told you her feelings, I can safely assume that she was not being disrespectful in her presentation. Therefore, she deserves the respect of your concern. And, while normally I would suggest coping mechanisms for dealing with a teen's inevitable "embarrassment" over their parents, this one seems beyond that. It edges into dishonoring your teen (and perhaps yourself). If your shirts are so low cut that your daughter is uncomfortable, then you need to rethink what value you are standing on and what your daughter is to learn from this.

It is one thing if your teen is not impressed with your frumpy "mom jeans" or an old school hairstyle. But, it is quite another if your child is humiliated that you insist on revealing your body in inappropriate clothing.

As far as "putting your foot down" or punishing her, I don't see what your child has actually done to deserve that. "I don't have to like it" seems like a legitimate response given the situation. What I hear, is a humiliated child who's legitimate concerns are not being considered. I hope I am wrong.

Tamara, I think you are way off base and strongly encourage you to consider that perhaps your daughter has a concern worth acknowledging. I don't know that you are dressing like a streetwalker, but I do know that your child is uncomfortable, which to me is more than a shade different from "embarrassed.'

You can choose to ignore my response or strongly consider a change in attitude (and in clothing). Just remember, one choice will distance you from your daughter and perpetuate the negativity. The other will demonstrate respect and honor. Which mom are you, Tamara?

Sincerely,

Dr. Shari

This column originally appeared on April 13, 2014.

Dr. Shari Sweetnam

www.DoctorShari.com

Author, columnist, consultant and motivational speaker.