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'Where can I fit in?': Fatherhood gets real at local expectant-dads class

Chicago Tribune - 6/14/2017

June 14--Seated around a sleek conference table, 20 men jot down their hopes and fears. There are the usual hopes for a healthy, happy child, the usual fears about sleep deprivation and accidentally hurting the baby, but also these:

"I hope the baby is better than me."

"I hope to figure out how to support my wife and be as involved as my wife."

"I fear I will be crowded out by my wife and in-laws."

"I fear my kid will be a (total jerk)."

Expectant fatherhood gets real at the dads-only class at Northwestern Memorial's Prentice Women's Hospital, where pediatrician and dad Craig Garfield shares practical information and personal anecdotes, and fields questions about everything from Velcro swaddling blankets (he's on the fence) to the strange color of a newborn (yes, they can initially look a little blue).

"This is very much a new frontier," Garfield said of the class, which he has taught for six years.

"One, because we're thinking about including dads, and two, because we're thinking uniquely about the concerns these dads might have while they're transitioning into fatherhood. To me, that's what makes it an exciting class: that we can talk about why they might be more involved than their father was or their grandfather was, and what that brings up for them, and then how to be involved from the very beginning."

Dads-only newborn classes have been offered in the Chicago area since at least 1996, when an expert told the Tribune they were rare.

Today, they're fairly common, both locally and nationally.

About 400,000 dads nationwide have gone through the most popular dads-only workshop, Boot Camp for New Dads, according to founder Greg Bishop. The numbers tend to wax and wane at individual sites due to issues such as funding, he said, but in Denver, where the class is particularly popular, 25 percent of new dads now participate.

"Almost all the hospitals in Denver do it," Bishop said.

Dads-only newborn classes offer men a chance to ask their own questions and express their own concerns.

They also reflect the increasingly hands-on nature of modern fatherhood. Fathers more than doubled their time spent on child care between 1965 and 2011, according to a Pew Research on Social and Demographic Trends report, and father-focused books and blogs have become increasingly popular in the past few years.

There was no joking about dodging diaper duty at the Prentice class; men listened intently during a 2 1/2-hour workshop with no breaks, and many took notes.

"I was really looking for things that would enhance my knowledge of both what to expect from the pregnancy from the father's perspective and some steps after that, after bringing our children home," said Eric Metelka, 32, a Chicago product manager who is expecting twins.

"The other things that I found -- whether it be in books or online -- were really, for lack of a better adjective, 'bro-y,' and I was just looking for something that was more relatable."

Garfield began the Prentice class by asking the men to sit in order of due date. The father of two, an attending physician at Lurie Children's Hospital, said he knows how hard to is to bring up new dad concerns in a class that includes pregnant women: "You're really going to speak up in (a co-ed) class about how hard things are for you -- when you know what she's going through?"

The men wrote down their hopes and fears anonymously, and talked about the ones that surprised them: fear of how hard it would be to raise your kids in a different culture, with family far away; fear of bringing up a jerk. Garfield was calm and reassuring, but he didn't sugarcoat the reality that you don't have total control over who your kid will turn out to be.

Among his tips for today's hands-on fathers: bring a pillow to the hospital with a colored or patterned pillowcase, so housekeeping won't accidentally take it away. And pack snacks, a change of clothes, and slippers or flip-flops.

"No one is (there) to take care of you," he said. "So one of the things you can do is to keep up your energy."

He went through options for chronicling the big event, including voice recording, which he said can be surprisingly powerful. In the case of photos, he told the dads, the black and white filter is your friend. It's flattering to exhausted moms and diminishes the visual impact of blood.

He also encouraged the dads to look beyond birth, telling them how to support their partners during breastfeeding: You can be the one who helps keep the mom hydrated or who brings the baby in for breastfeeding at night and changes the diapers.

"There are certain things that you are going to do that are going to be special," he said, urging dads to carve out their own niches.

At the end of the class, the men gave Garfield a round of applause.

"The part where everybody put their hopes and their fears up there, that was really interesting," expectant dad Doug Gottfried, 39, said afterward.

"And I just think the parts about taking the burden off of your wife, like when you come home, and your wife's been there all day, that part about immediately taking the baby for a walk, so that your wife can take a shower: that role that a father can do to be supportive, particularly in those first few months."

After the class, Metelka went home and talked to his wife about carving out his own baby care niche.

"Maybe I'm just the one who always cleans up the poop, and, you know, that's my role, and I'm involved, and I'm interacting with my children, and I have something to do," he said.

Metelka said the class also inspired him to talk to his dad friends about watching the birth, which he hadn't considered before.

"There are some things (my wife) has to do, but where can I fit in?" Metelka said of parenthood. "The class really helped me think about that."

nschoenberg@chicagotribune.com

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