Susan Provost: Column: #ActuallyAutistic - Communication a vital need

Feb. 24—Communication is a vital need. It is such a fundamental need, that animals "talk" to each other as well. Us humans took it a step or seven further and created languages on top of all the body language even our animal cousins use.

Autism and other neurodivergencies fundamentally change how we interpret and understand communication. So, things like sarcasm, tone, etc. can be lost to many of us. A lot of us DO pick it up, but it is never intuitive like it is for neurotypical folks. It's like having to keep a running mental list of what phrases mean, what certain facial expressions mean, and so on. It can be exhausting.

Neurodivergent (ND) and neurotypical (NT) communication types can be similar enough to get the job done on a day-to-day basis, but those deeper understandings and nuances can be missed easily. Not quite like speaking a foreign language, but imagine speaking a chill surfer-dude dialect of American English with a Cockney Rhyming Slang dialect speaking Chav and have them stay in the same book, let alone the same page.

However, even us ND folks will misunderstand each other. A lot. My partner, Marci, is schizophrenic and also seeking an adult autism diagnosis. We definitely speak the same language — so much so that we plan on tying the knot in October. But we still will have times when wires cross and meanings are lost.

Marci recently sent me a video of a cute Internet Famous Dog we like to watch (Chili the Pekepug). In this video, Chili claims to know all those dirty secrets you have and that the "person who sent you this video knows too" and is calling you names. It's meant as humor and a joke. But for some reason, my brain decided that Marci was actually mad at me. I began wondering if I had forgotten to do something I had promised. Also being an ADHDer, this is quite possible. I will forget to do things I do ALL. THE. TIME. For no apparent reason, other than (insert cricket sounds here). Marci had to call me and calm me down from a panic attack.

I have accidentally sparked a panic attack in Marci by sharing posts online as well. I had shared that a clickbait style article had been advertised to me on social media regarding red flags in relationships. I shared that I clicked out of curiosity and wondered if maybe there had been other subtle things in my past that I missed. I was shocked to read the basics of "if your partner cuts off contact to your friends/family," "if your partner physically assaults you," and the one that shocked me most, "if one of you thinks the two of you are just friends." I figured most people knew that all partners in romantic relationships had to know they were in one? But, Marci feared that The Algorithm was trying to say I need to leave my stable, happy relationship with her. I had to reassure her for a while that no, our relationship did not check any of the red flags on other more serious lists either, and actually showed what they call "green flags" — signs your relationship is healthy and allows both partners to grow with each other.

Certain hobbies tend to draw certain types of people. And tabletop gaming tends to draw some of us nerdier types that all check off a number of ND traits, whether just higher than average but not at a diagnosis level, or those of us who are or will later be diagnosed. Table top gaming is a hobby in which a group of people are creating a story, usually action-adventure, together with a game master that ads to the story and kind of holds the reins and keeps us players from going completely off the rails (we still find ways to do that. Apologies Ty and Sam!). For the most part, we work together and create some fun and often hilarious antics together. However, there have been a fair few gaming sessions that got derailed by miscommunications and misunderstandings that led to heated exchanges of words and sudden calls to end the game for the night for sanity's sake. Things may have been strained, but they were not broken, because the effort of communication and getting on the same page was made.

Communicating is somehow both an easy and natural process, while still remaining a complex and nuance-filled process. We know it's easy and natural from the moment we make our first cries after being born. The difficult part comes as we grow and learn language, learn faces, body language and social norms. Most children pick these up naturally. So naturally, that it never occurs to most to explain certain things. Not until you realize either you have missed a lesson growing up by making a social faux-pas or your child does. Growing up ND, we miss a LOT of social cues most pick up in childhood. Sometimes we are the kids that have to be told that we can't introduce ourselves to a complete stranger and then info-dump everything we know about the history of Lego.

If nothing else, we all need to remember that at the end of the day, we are all human and need to work together. Once in a while, just talking can take a lot of effort. But always remember to put in the effort to listen, not just with your ears. We miss a lot when we overlook the small acts of love those closest to us give us each and every day.

Susan Provost is an account executive with The Duncan Banner. To reach her, email classifieds@duncanbanner.com.

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