Helping a Youth Resist Abuse

By: North Dakota 4-H (Prepared by Boy Scouts of America)

When a young person feels threatened with the possibility of being sexually abused, they need to know that any resistance on their part will be sufficient to discourage most child molesters. This is part of the message the Boy Scouts of America include in their Youth Protection Education program for members and their families.

THE THREE "R'S" OF YOUTH PROTECTION FROM ABUSE

Youth need to RECOGNIZE situations that place them at risk of being molested, how child molesters operate and that anyone can be a molester.
Youth need to know that if they RESIST, most child molesters will leave them alone. And, if youth REPORT attempted or actual molestations, they will help protect themselves as well as other youth from further abuse and will not be blamed for what occurred.

THE YOUTH'S BILL OF RIGHTS

Specific resistance methods are emphasized in the Youth's Bill of Rights. This teaches that when young people are confronted with a situation that they think is dangerous, they have the right to:

• Trust their own instincts or feelings.
• Expect privacy.
• Withhold information that could place them in danger.
• Refuse gifts.
• Say no to unwanted touching or affection.
• Say no to inappropriate demands and requests from adults.
• Be rude or unhelpful if the situation warrants.
• Run, scream, make a scene.
• Physically fight off unwanted advances.
• Ask for help.

WHY DISCLOSURE IS DIFFICULT

An almost universal reaction that adults have when discussing the subject of youth sexual abuse is questioning how the youth can allow the adult to perpetrate molestation and then not disclose the abuse. Dr. Roland Summit, noted psychiatrist and authority on the impact of youth sexual abuse on the victim, has identified five reasons they don't tell:

Secrecy

Secrecy is a necessary condition for a person to be sexually abused. It is through secrecy that the youth is both intimidated and comforted. The abuser will often state to the young person, this will be our secret, or even, if you tell anyone, I'll kill you, or I'll kill your god. A clear message is given that if another person finds out, something bad will happen. On the other hand, the youth is led to believe that if no one finds out everything will be all right.

The average young person, according to Dr. Summit, never asks and never tells. Based on surveys of adult survivors of child sexual abuse, the majority never told anyone during their childhood. They feared blame and retaliation.

In teaching the Three R's of Youth Protection from Abuse, we need to be sure the youth hears that if he is unsuccessful at avoiding abuse he should still report abuse and he will not be blamed. Too much emphasis on resisting may result in the youth erroneously shouldering the responsibility for what occurred.

Helplessness

Adults are given inherent power over youth in our society. We are comfortable with the idea that the child molester is a stranger hanging out around playgrounds and that we have given children the power to resist strangers. We are less comfortable, in fact very uncomfortable, with the fact that a youth is three times more likely to be molested by a trusted adult, often with a degree of authority over the youth, than by a stranger. In such relationships, the young person has no power to consent, particularly if the offender is one to whom the youth must look for food, clothing and shelter.

Adjustment

For the youth in a dependent relationship, sexual molestation is typically not a one-time occurrence. In such a case, the youth will learn to adjust to the abuse. Part of the adjustment will be to levy self-blame and accept misplaced responsibility for the molestation. The youthful victim is likely to turn his rage at his helplessness outward in aggressive and antisocial behavior.

Delayed, conflicting and unconvincing disclosure

As previously mentioned, the majority of child sexual abuse is never disclosed. Disclosure is usually the outgrowth of overwhelming conflict with the abuser, incidental discovery by a third party, or sensitive outreach and community education by youth serving agencies. In the case of conflict between the youth and the molester, often the complaint is disregarded because of the circumstances in which it was made. A youth of any age is faced with skepticism when complaining of sexual molestation. An adolescent may be faced not only with skepticism but humiliation and punishment as well.

Retraction

When faced with disbelief from the adult to whom they have turned for help, the normal thing for the victim to do is to withdraw the allegation and restore the lie that the abuse did not take place. By understanding these factors, we can be guided in how to respond when a youth discloses abuse.

ADULTS: BE PREPARED TO LISTEN...TO REPORT

Considering the prevalence of abuse and the educational programs that increase young people's awareness about sexual molestation, you may someday have a member of your group tell you that someone has molested him or her. If this happens you must be prepared to help the youth. Follow the guidelines below if a young person indicates that he or she may have been the victim of abuse or exploitation:

DON'T panic or overreact to the information disclosed by the youth.

DON'T criticize the youth.

DO respect the youth's privacy. Take the youth to a private place away from other children (but within the sight of others). Reassure them that you are concerned about what happened to them and that you would like to get them some help. Do not promise to keep their secret, as it will be necessary to make a report. Report to social services or the county 4-H contact. You may want to ask the youth if they have talked with their parents about the abuse - if a parent was not the alleged abuser.

DO encourage the youth to tell the appropriate authorities. You may do this by making sure the youth feels that he or she is not to blame for what happened. Tell them that no one should ask him or her to keep a special secret and that it is OK to talk about what happened with appropriate adults -- that they will not be blamed.

DO keep it strictly confidential. Discussing allegations of child abuse with others may result in a lawsuit for defamation of character. Only share information and comments with supervisors as stated in this information and/or, with child protection authorities to whom you report.