Helping An Abuse Victim: What Not To Do

By: Community Help and Abuse Information

Do not make decisions for the victim out of fear for her safety. She is the one who has to live with the consequences of leaving the relationship.

Do not appear skeptical or shocked by what she tells you as this will communicate disbelief of what she is telling you.

Never offer your home to her for safety. To do so may put you and your family in danger and will do little to protect her. Rather, put her in contact with a professional who can assess her level of danger and assist her in developing an appropriate safety plan.

Do not intervene beyond your capabilities. Instead, give her an appropriate referral to CHAI.

Do not make promises that you cannot keep, i.e., things will be better for her if she leaves; you can assure her safety; that you will be there for her whenever she needs you. Empty promises misinform her and can do more harm than good.

Do not assume that domestic abuse does not occur in the Jewish community as it occurs at the same rate as in non-Jewish communities.

Do not participate in jokes about domestic abuse or declarations that if victims stay in abusive relationships, they deserve the abuse. You don’t know who victims are and in fact, a victim could be present in any formal or social situation. If they hear these remarks, it reinforces the shame and isolation they are already feeling.

If you know someone is in an abusive relationship, whether she has confided in you or not, do not discuss her situation with others. This breeds distrust and furthers her shame and isolation.

Do not condone abusive behavior by anyone, for any reason. To do so, reinforces that this behavior is acceptable which allows it to further permeate the Jewish community.